‘In the bid to be free of them, I became an abuser too.’ – Unmasked #2 (GAGA 2019)

This is a story I have never told anyone. I guess my deliverance is here if I’m able to tell it here.

My mother moved out of my father’s house when I was 4. She had to do a lot of hustling, so often when I returned from school, I had to wait for her at the church.

There was a particular blind man in that church. That was where he lived, so I had to spend a lot of time with him. That man, for years, would touch me and make me do things with him. He’d say I should do it else I’d end up like him. This continued till I was 6 or so when we left that area.

Somehow, in the new area we moved to, there was another waiting for me, but this time, a female. Most 6-9 year olds like me on the street were her prey. We became a sort of coven, never telling. She’d tell us to touch her just as she was touching us, sometimes, she’d pair us up to do things to ourselves. I never knew it was wrong.

At some point, we grew up, stopped doing it with her and just continued with ourselves. I still remember 3 ladies very well in that coven; I still see 2 of them and talk to one of them very well but I have never revisited this with her. Somewhere in my head, I wonder if it ended there for them. If they actually had forgotten all about it. For me, it didn’t end there and I haven’t forgotten either.

After the whole thing with them, I had become very active and believe me when I say I had urges I couldn’t control. In the bid to be free of them, I became an abuser too; with my nieces who couldn’t understand or tell my elder ones, with my nephews who probably didn’t understand. I’d just hump them till I found the release I sought.

I remember very well that I’d been given a baby of about 6 months to hold and after making the child suck my nipple, I still humped her. She vomited so much, I was scared.

Today, I am very close to my nieces and nephews. We talk about everything, but just not that. Not even a mention of it.

I don’t know if they have forgotten too or if they know I abused them when they were young. What if somehow they continued the cycle?

Today, I am no more an abuser, thanks to Jesus. But I just have those questions.

……….

This is the second story we have received for the Guys Against Girl Abuse #GAGA campaign this year. The theme this is: Unmask and we would like to invite abuse survivors and ex-abusers to share their stories.

All entries will be kept anonymous except indicated otherwise

Please send your stories to:

voiceofworth@gmail.com

Please share as well. Thanks.